I'm feeling better today

Its been a rough couple of weeks. This past week I had to start the new visitation agreement for my oldest son. I won't lie, its been pure hell for me.

I have dealt with so many feelings and emotions, cried several times a day every day and am in general - a basket case.

My heart is broken in a million pieces. As much as I want to believe my son didn't really want to go live with his dad all of the time, deep down I know it really is his wish. Its my wish that he would want to stay here.

What is so difficult is he wants to be there for all of the wrong reasons. The life his dad lives is appealing to a teenager. Its a constant party at his dad's house. The shop (business) is directly behind the house and the employees stay after work every day and hang out and drink beer. Many of the guys are in their early to mid 20s and "cool" in the eyes of a 16 yr old. More friends stop in daily at the shop to drink beer and hang out.

There are motorcycles, dirt bikes, four wheelers, golf carts, etc there. A playground for a 16 yr old with little or no adult supervision to speak of - remember they are all hanging out and drinking beer...

Add to that his dad lives with a woman. Not married to her, just living together, and her 16 yr old son lives there too. This could make my son feel jealous and feel the need to be there to protect his relationship with his dad.

His dad hates confrontation and punishment. Kind of stands by if you ground the kid you ground yourself and thats no fun. He is more prone to hit or kick for disciplinary measures instead. If the kids can avoid him in the heat of the moment, they generally get off scott free.

Enter the home I have strived so hard to create for my kids. I have worked hard to keep the three kids together and interacting with each other in each other's lives. (Remember, my oldest daughter has not had visitation with her dad since she was 12) We have made ourselves into a working family unit and are close to each other.

I removed alcohol from my home last summer. I came to the realization kids are kids, they are probably going to get it if they want, but I decided it would not come from my home. Kids are going to get in trouble, why create more temptation?

As far as his dad living with a woman and not marrying her, I have issues with that. Some circumstances it is fine. But when children are present in the home and at an impressionable age - why not take your role as a parent and a role model seriously? Why not live by standards you want for your children? Why not be the example?

My kids and I live on a tight budget. I can't go buy them everything they want the minute they want it. We have learned to accept this and work with it. None of us go without anything we need, but we do go without things we want. Its a different world at their dad's house, money flows freely as does alcohol and party times. (Much more appealing to a kid than the life I provide.)

So thus, the emotional struggle I have had this past week especially. Knowing that what I was doing was not good enough. Feeling the pain of the choice my child made. I do understand it through his eyes. And through the eyes of an adult I know he will come up empty on the inside. I now pray he gets that empty on the inside sooner rather than later...he will be welcomed back into my home with open arms, but until then, I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Who woulda thought?

Who would have thought that my oldest daughter turning 18 and graduating from high school would make me cry? I didn't. Well ok, yes I did.

I get very emotional. Every time any of my kids have been in any kind of play or graduation or awards ceremony or anything, I cry. Every single dance recital, every time one of my kids walked out on stage, I teared up. I don't know why, it just happens, I get a big lump in my throat and tears start welling up in my eyes. Its a mix of emotions, mostly pride, but other ones too.

When I received the information to order her graduation stuff, I did ok with that....no tears....just trying to figure out how I was going to pay for it, but no tears. But today, all of the information about all that is going to take place between now and graduation...I was a sobbing fool by the time I finished reading it.

So tell me....how am I going to get through the graduation ceremony??? Waterproof mascara and a box of tissues for starters...

Kids

My kids are growing up and life is changing. Life is changing in ways that make me sad. Ways that make me happy. Ways that make me proud. Ways that make me mad. I guess its just all part of the grand scheme of things.

My two older kids are growing up and away, they are now exhibiting decisions they make of their own free will. Some are good, some are bad, some are hurtful, but they are their decisions. Their dad and I have worked to lay the foundation, we are there to guide and give advice, however they are at the age where we are "stupid." I have been there and done that. I look back and see the wisdom that was shared with me at the time...but I sure didn't see it as wisdom then.

I feel time slipping through my fingers. Not so much with my daughter who is just two weeks away from turning 18 and less than two months from graduating high school. I know my bond with her will always be strong. But I do feel time slipping through my fingers with my 16 yr old son.

The new visitation agreement gives him more time with his dad than with me and forces me into the "part-time" parent role. My heart is breaking a million times over just trying to accept and deal with this situation. With him being gone from me and his brother and sister so much, I fear that all of the "bonds" will crack and suffer.

We had a great night last night, my daughter had her boyfriend over for dinner and my oldest son had his girlfriend over for dinner. After dinner they went out in the yard and played ball with my youngest son. They had the puppy outside with them and were laughing and having a great time. Later we all went to Ritter's and had ice cream. As I absorbed it all in, I was happy and deep down inside kinda sad as I feel these times becoming more precious and slipping slowly away.

Man, I am going to make a terrible empty nester....

Tippecanoe Lake Webcam

Check this out! It is a link to the Tippecanoe Lake Webcam. The camera is located at the Tippecanoe Lake Country Club, and on a clear day I suspect we might be able to see my parents home. Kinda cool I think. Anyhow, I added the link in the links of interest area of my blog so it will be easy to get to just in case any of you are ever wondering what the weather is in my neck of the woods.

Note of interest - That view is almost exactly what my view was at work before I moved my office into my home....now I get to keep a close eye on my own neighborhood.

Easter Sunday...

Someone Else...

I have never truly grasped the concept that Someone else is in control of my life. Its an ongoing power struggle in which I try so hard constantly to remain in complete control of my life.

This control of my life concept goes so far as to make me one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. I REFUSE to ask for help. I might give a subtle hint of what I need done for me, but if the hint is not heeded in a timely manner I will just do it myself.

There have been a few times that this stubbornness has landed me in the hospital helplessly out of control. And when you become helplessly out of control....help swarms in on you. People understand what you need and you don't have to say a word, they just jump in and do what needs to be done.

I know I am being very vague and general....but here is a more specific example. One of my hospital stays was an entire week with another week of rest to follow up. My mom and sister pitched in to help. They divided the kids between them. They had help from their husband or significant other... and at the end of the two weeks they all were exhausted, their homes were a wreck and they were behind on their laundry! And remember, they divided the kids between them... From that hospital stay stemmed many solutions to many problems I had that were overwhelming me. I was refusing to stop and ask for help. But help came. I was able to relax a bit more and lighten up a little more.

Recently I have gotten in over my head again with stress and worry and refusing to ask for or accept help. This time it didn't come down to a total crisis. But this time Someone else stepped in. I always forget to turn to God and ask for help. I tend to wait until I am so deep in the muck that it seems as if there is no other thing to do but to turn to God. And this time again I still didn't turn to God, but He stepped in anyway. I felt him step in and comfort me and make things look a whole lot better and less overwhelming. I feel Him working in our lives.

Maybe I will sound like a holy roller to some of you for this post. Maybe I will sound like a babbling idiot. Maybe it doesn't matter...

If you have noticed my twitter on the side "Praying for Stellan" and my link to the My Charming Kids Blog then you will know I have been following this blog daily and praying for Stellan constantly. I honestly believe my prayers for this child brought God back to me and my family and put His hand back in control. And well, those of you who know me....know that its hard for me to "let go"

Mediation

I shared earlier this week that my ex husband and I went to mediation in regards to custody of our oldest son and an increase in child support.

I am very uncomfortable with the fact that he wants custody of only one child. I hate that he can pick and choose which kid he wants the most and push the other two aside. I hate that he finds it necessary to split up the core family unit as the kids know it.

I felt very pressured by the mediator to let my son live with his dad. I kept telling the mediator that I am doing absolutely nothing wrong in my home that merits having a child taken away from me. On the other hand I have many concerns in regards to the lifestyle my ex-husband exhibits in front of our children. Documented concerns. Documented meaning police, child protective services, CASA and court reports.

It came to a point where they wanted to bring my son in and question him about what he truly wants to do. I said no. I said no because on Thursday of this past week my son told me he wanted to live at home with us. I said no because on Sunday I received a text message from my son stating he was "almost sure" that he wanted to live with his dad. I said no because he refused to talk to me on the phone and tell me this. I said no because I was not certain the text message discussion we had was actually between he and I. I said no because I was 75% sure that his dad's girlfriend was sending the text messages. I said no because I understand that my son is confused and although he may want to live with his dad, he also wants to live at home and he doesn't want to hurt either of us. I said no because I did not want to put my son on the "hot seat" and make him "choose his favorite parent."

We finally came to an agreement. The agreement resulted in pretty much a 50/50 split between the homes. My oldest son will spend the night at his Dad's Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. My youngest son will continue with his Wednesday evening and every other weekend. Oh, and I can't forget to mention, there is still NO visitation with our daughter. She does stop over to see him sometimes when the boys are there and his girlfriend is gone...

The agreement also indicates when the weather is nice and my son needs to work near our home for his lawncare business, that will be a first priority...but it will be necessary to take him to his dad's to sleep at night when the sun goes down....

This is only thru the end of this school year. Then our summer arrangement of every other week kicks in.

But here is the part that is absolutely eating away at me. This is the part that is putting that little black cloud over my head. This is the part that I hate. In early August we have to go to binding arbitration. At this point a binding and permanent living arrangement will be agreed upon for my oldest son. My son will be brought in and forced to choose which parent he wants to live with permanently. Again I hate to put him in that position. My only hope is that this temporary arrangement we came up with works well and feels good to him and shows him he can have equal time with both parents, and still be with his brother and sister a little more frequently than if he were to live with his dad permanently. My hope is that he will like the arrangement and tell the arbitrator that this working well and he wants to leave it like this, or even better that he will say he wants to be home with his family. Because we are a small little working family and my oldest daughter will not be leaving for college, she will be attending beauty school in Fort Wayne and still living here.

My heart is breaking with what my son has already had to go through, and I am praying fervently that we have resolved it into a working pattern that will work for him and take the decision making process off of him.

Easter!

Easter is going to be different this year. Kind of an ending to some traditions and maybe a beginning of new traditions and a few old ones kept in for good measure.

We used to go to brunch at the country club. Not this year. Its a tradition I am sad to see go, I liked getting my kids all dressed up and getting a family picture.

My oldest daughter is a senior this year and will be 18 at the end of this month. In her mind everything is going to change and she wants to move out....I am pretty sure she is going to be here for awhile longer, but nevertheless, our lives are changing.

It has been hit and miss over the years whether we make it to church or not....this year I am not sure yet....

My youngest son is 10, so perhaps its time to forego the egg hunt. I just can't quite bring myself to do this, so I am working on a treasure hunt for each of the kids...we will see how this works out. It might be a fun new tradition.

I also can't give up the Easter basket thing, so I have been buying up all of the stupid hokey toys that bring back memories of my childhood, and have you seen the new peeps??? I got carrots, frogs, orange bunnies, periwinkle bunnies....all kinds of cute peeps.

We are having dinner at my sister's house, but I think I might make a ham and some side dishes to have at my home for the evening...those kids, they get hungry all of the time!

I'm making a comeback

I've been down and out and a lousy blogger for several weeks. Yesterday I went to mediation to resolve custody and visitation and support issues. We were able to reach a working solution and think we both walked away feeling as if we had "won" something.

This has been going on since January 21, 2008. 63 weeks. I have walked around with a dark cloud over my head all of that time. To finally resolve it yesterday was as if a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. I literally feel the difference...I feel so much happier, so less stressed and the headache is pretty much gone.

Think About It...

Footprints

One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with
the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I
noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints
in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only
one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowestand
saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord
about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with
me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my
lifethere is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I
needed you most,you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child,I love you and I would never, never leave youduring your times of trial
and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints,it was then that I
carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

I have just come through some very difficult times with my two oldest kids and at times felt very alone, but this poem reminds me I was never alone and I have made it through and am ready to face the next challenge when it comes. But if you all don't mind, I think I will take a moment to breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the beautiful sunlight...