I'm feeling better today

Its been a rough couple of weeks. This past week I had to start the new visitation agreement for my oldest son. I won't lie, its been pure hell for me.

I have dealt with so many feelings and emotions, cried several times a day every day and am in general - a basket case.

My heart is broken in a million pieces. As much as I want to believe my son didn't really want to go live with his dad all of the time, deep down I know it really is his wish. Its my wish that he would want to stay here.

What is so difficult is he wants to be there for all of the wrong reasons. The life his dad lives is appealing to a teenager. Its a constant party at his dad's house. The shop (business) is directly behind the house and the employees stay after work every day and hang out and drink beer. Many of the guys are in their early to mid 20s and "cool" in the eyes of a 16 yr old. More friends stop in daily at the shop to drink beer and hang out.

There are motorcycles, dirt bikes, four wheelers, golf carts, etc there. A playground for a 16 yr old with little or no adult supervision to speak of - remember they are all hanging out and drinking beer...

Add to that his dad lives with a woman. Not married to her, just living together, and her 16 yr old son lives there too. This could make my son feel jealous and feel the need to be there to protect his relationship with his dad.

His dad hates confrontation and punishment. Kind of stands by if you ground the kid you ground yourself and thats no fun. He is more prone to hit or kick for disciplinary measures instead. If the kids can avoid him in the heat of the moment, they generally get off scott free.

Enter the home I have strived so hard to create for my kids. I have worked hard to keep the three kids together and interacting with each other in each other's lives. (Remember, my oldest daughter has not had visitation with her dad since she was 12) We have made ourselves into a working family unit and are close to each other.

I removed alcohol from my home last summer. I came to the realization kids are kids, they are probably going to get it if they want, but I decided it would not come from my home. Kids are going to get in trouble, why create more temptation?

As far as his dad living with a woman and not marrying her, I have issues with that. Some circumstances it is fine. But when children are present in the home and at an impressionable age - why not take your role as a parent and a role model seriously? Why not live by standards you want for your children? Why not be the example?

My kids and I live on a tight budget. I can't go buy them everything they want the minute they want it. We have learned to accept this and work with it. None of us go without anything we need, but we do go without things we want. Its a different world at their dad's house, money flows freely as does alcohol and party times. (Much more appealing to a kid than the life I provide.)

So thus, the emotional struggle I have had this past week especially. Knowing that what I was doing was not good enough. Feeling the pain of the choice my child made. I do understand it through his eyes. And through the eyes of an adult I know he will come up empty on the inside. I now pray he gets that empty on the inside sooner rather than later...he will be welcomed back into my home with open arms, but until then, I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on.