My Kids

I love my kids so much it hurts. I want nothing but the best for them. I try oh so hard to give them the things they need and add in a few of the things they want as often as possible. Lately its been difficult to just come up with the things they need. As they grow older, it seems everything they need becomes so much more expensive. I do think they understand that I am doing the best that I can in that department and no one goes to bed cold or hungry, and no one awakes with nothing to wear the next morning. So we have those three beasts conquered. They may not have what they WANT to wear, but they have what they NEED.

I worry so much as they are growing up. I worry about their choices they will make. I worry about if I have given them enough guidance and a good foundation to make the right decisions. Maybe I just like to worry. When they are hurting, I hurt too.

My heart breaks a thousand times a day for my daughter and the wrongs her dad has done to her. She did nothing wrong except to be a little girl who wanted to be with her daddy and he slammed the door in her face. As I work on her order for graduation my heart breaks to go ahead and make plans and plan on her dad just ignoring this special event in her life. I think of the special days to come in her life and wonder if she and her dad will ever make peace. Every girl wants to be daddy's little girl and he has taken that from her. I can't make it right and I can't replace him. I offer as much as I can and do the best I can and I pray she will be ok.

I worry so much about my older son. He wants to make everyone happy. He is a "yes man", he will tell you exactly what you want to hear so as not to hurt your feelings. This concerns me very much because by doing that I fear he has lost himself in the shuffle of trying to be what everyone expects of him or wants for him. This has become painfully evident during the course of this latest legal battle with my exhusband. He filed for custody of this son because I filed for an increase in child support. It is so obvious as to why he filed for custody, to reduce child support, not because he truly loves his son. And if it was truly because he loves this child, why would he select only one of his children? How can he shun one child and adore another and pay minimal attention to the third one? These are things I don't understand. And these are things I do not know how to explain to my kids.

I don't worry too much about the little guy yet. I am sure he will give me his fair share of gray hairs too, but for now he is on even keel and his biggest concern is how to best divide his time fairly amongst all of his family members.

I love my kids, I love each of their unique personalities, I am oh so proud of each and every one of them and I hope they know and understand this even when I am "mean mommy" and/or
DragonLady."