Monday, January 29, 2007

Oh Yeah! Living the Footloose Fancy Free Single Life!!! WooHoo......NOT!

Oh Yeah, the life of Riley, I am living it I tell you. After being married for 12 years, I went through a divorce that went on for almost five years and now, well, I have been single for over a year. Woo Hoo. Yippee. You have no idea. My marriage ended long before I ever filed for divorce, I am sad to say that I tried to stay in it for the sake of the kids. Big Mistake. Big Huge Mistake. Kids always know. And, if the parents aren't happy together, the kids aren't happy either.
So anyhow, I started dating early on in the divorce proceedings. I learned a lot about the dating scene. It really stinks. It is difficult going out on first dates. Hoping for a second date. Getting the second date. Starting to actually get to know the person you are dating. Thinking there is hope. Discovering they are dilligently looking for something better than you - but yet keeping you on a string just in case nothing better comes along. Yeah. Great fun I tell ya!
Then you get to see your ex find someone new and exciting in their life. Your replacement. No matter how nice of a person they may be, human nature will not allow you to like that person. And the more your kids like that person, the more you hurt on the inside. It kind of shakes your confidence and makes you wonder if they secretly wish that person were their parent. It's crazy stuff and crazy things to think, but its human nature.
In my case, as a single parent, my kids go with their dad every other weekend. Well, my daughter doesn't due to circumstances with her dad's girlfriend, my daughter is not welcome there. So at the risk of sounding selfish and/or shallow, it usually ends up being difficult for me to even plan a date with someone. It seems like on the times I do, I have at least one kid who makes me feel like I am kicking them out so that I can have one date. And its a matter of that kid staying with a friend or a relative just so I don't have to worry about getting home early. But oh, the guilt trip.
Quite often, at the last minute I will end up home alone on a weekend night. Usually if that happens, a certain someone that I would choose to spend my evening with, has his kids for the weekend. It really does get frustrating. But my kids truly are my priority, and I want anyone I date to have the same priorities and be able to understand mine. Yeah. The single life. Its just fabulous darling, fabulous.
So, in a nutshell, the single life is not all its cracked up to be. I really miss the comfort zone of having someone in my life that can attend events with me, just sit in the same room with me, talk with me, laugh with me, cry with me, share the good and the bad. Some say I am lucky to have my kids with me so much, I am not alone, and its true, I'm not, but there is still that one big empty space in my soul....
The holidays are the most difficult. You have to share your kids with your ex and then you end up all alone a major portion of the holiday. Its just not that easy nor is it all that its cracked up to be. So.....let's not even think about Valentine's Day, the day that has the potential of being the lonliest of all.

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