Monday, January 8, 2007

To Be Fat Like Me


I just watched this movie It was a brutal look at how "pretty people" treat "not so pretty people". It's true. I have never been a thin person. It has always been difficult. The psychological side of it is really weird with me, putting myself on a diet is putting me on a path to self destruction. I eat more. It is horrible. There was a point in my married life when I did lose weight and started looking attractive. Suddenly, my now ex husband's friends would carry on conversations with me. They seemed to discover my existence and my intellect. My ex became very nasty. One night he told me he didn't like me this way (this way being thin and attractive...) and our relationship hit the skids. In my depression, I ate more, gained weight and he started liking me again. How screwed up is that???
Now I am living the life of a single woman out there meeting men. I have used the online dating sites and struck up conversations with prospective dates. Conversations go well, they seem to like the person I am, and I don't think I misrepresent myself - I have a hard time stating that I am outright fat, but I let them know I carry extra weight and I am curvy, or voluptuous. Then I always have this moment of reckoning where I make sure that they understand that I am not a beauty queen. In my mind, that is me telling them that I am fat. I can tell you there are a lot of men out there who are very shallow, and they may appreciate my inner beauty, but they can't get beyong the image in their mind of an ideal mate.
I often times tell myself that I am at peace with who I am and that I accept myself as I am. I carry myself with a devil may care attitude that comes across as total self confidence, but deep down, I think it is a shield that I wear to protect myself from the outside world and not let them see my total lack of self confidence. Who knows? Its my cross to bear, and I will probably fight this battle my entire life.

4 comments:

B.G. (Semper Paratus) said...

I saw the movie it was OK, but there were some good points made.

My wife has fought the battle of the bulge since her teens (she's 36 now), and I know first hand what she has to go through.

In today's world, many of the issues in the movie were bang on target.

People who are (insert whatever adjective that pertains to zaftig) have a very hard time with almost anything or anyone...

My buddy who died at the age of 54 had complications from diabetes brought on by his weight. And he died at a younger age than my DAD did.

My wife already has knees that are showing the first signs of problems.

I keep telling here that she doesn't want a set of knee-replacement surgeries before 40 (or at any other time).

Now I'm one of those people blessed with a good metabolism, and for how much longer I'll have it is anyone's guess, but that doesn't mean I can't relates to weighty problems of other people.

It's about nature as well as nurture...and today's society speaks out of both side of it's mouth when it comes to nutrition.

I just don't want to see my wife go through someting she can honestly avoid....and I sure don't want her to become disabled at an early age.

Sure, I'm concerned...I'd have to be a fool NOT to be. And I'll help her any way I can...all SHE has to do is WANT it bad enough.

B.G.

JR said...

It is an addiction the same as alcohol or drugs and you cannot help a person until they want to help themselves. I have since having surgery and taken on a healthier lifestyle. I have lost a little over 20 pounds and I am walking daily. These are things that I decided to do on my own and didn't really discuss it with anyone, just started doing. The more I discuss it sometimes the more I destroy. After re-reading the post, I can see I am my own worst enemy and I know my perception of myself is skewed....I am harder on myself than others are. Yes - I have weight to lose that part is not distorted - but I am not obese....sigh

B.G. (Semper Paratus) said...

Jess:

Talking about a problem might not make it go away, but it does do wonders with our own "coming to terms" with it...make no mistake about it. The worst thing we can do is internalize it, subdue it, and (in some extreme cases) readily ignore it. That's a path that leads to that slippery slope of self destruction...and we hate that road, don't we?

But that's just my POV (from the inside looking in as "dinky-boy" would say...LOL)

off-topic...that boy needs a refresher course in "Integrity 101"...(imho)!

;)

B.G.

JR said...

Thanks BG - for now its going really well - feeling good, being told I am looking good and getting a better self-perception.

On the stinky dinky subject, I am finished...tired of arguing - I have said what I have said - lol