Let us not forget...

A SOLDIER'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney with presents to give,and to see just who in this little house lived.

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No Stockings by mantle, just boots filled with sand,On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,A sobering thought came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary, The home of a soldier, I could now see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,Not how I picture a United States Soldier.

Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night,owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world, the children would play,and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wondering how many lay alone,on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye,I dropped to one knee and started to cry.

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,"Santa don't cry, for this life is my choice".

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,My life is my God, my country, my corps."

The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent and still,as we both shivered from the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave, on that cold, dark night,this guardian of honor, so willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,whispered, "Carry on Santa...., It's Christmas Day...., All is secure.

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,Merry Christmas my friend.... and to all a Good Night.

~ Author Unknown *~

On life and death...

Dr. Neal Van Ness passed away this week. I am very sad to hear this news. He was my surgeon, he performed three surgeries on me. He was a good man. I had to be one of his most stubborn and contrary patients. He always used lots of patience and understanding with me and I know it was a challenge at times. He put up with the little hissy fits I would have in the hospital and would ultimately direct the staff to let me have my way, but keep me from hurting myself. :)

He would take the time to explain in great detail what was going on and why I was feeling so horrible. Which would lead to me getting dizzy and passing out in his office. It came to a point where they would have a fan, cold wet wash cloth and smelling salts set up for me....finally the day came when he was able to explain it all to me and I didn't pass out and it was a cause for celebration!!!

I think when we discovered I had a triple hernia shortly after my colon resection surgery he was even more upset than I was. he just felt terrible for me and it felt good to have someone like that care. When I had complications afterward and we couldn't figure out what it was, he was straight up honest with me and told me he didn't know what it was, but he would help me find out.

I have had problems recently and called in and found out he was on medical leave. I was sad to hear that and now even sadder. Our community has suffered a great loss in both a surgeon and person.

I have heard so many other sad stories lately also of friends and acquaintances battling with cancer and other illness. There is never a good time for any of this but the holiday season just makes it so much more difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with all of these people as they fight their own personal battles that many of us will never know or understand.

My dear friend Dan wrote on his blog yesterday of a friend of his who took his own life. These are such desperate times for many of us it is so easy to lose faith but faith is exactly what we need the most. Dan shared this man left behind his wife and two young daughters. The despair and pain this family is left with is devastating and breaks my heart in a million pieces. How do you help? What can you say? What can you do? Just wrap them in love in prayers....

And this is where I start digging deep. Digging deep into my own faith and what I believe. I was raised in a home that knows God's love, but was taught religion is from within, its not in the church you attend and how often you attend, it is in the person you are and the life you live. I went to a Catholic high school and was drawn to the Catholic faith and converted in my mid 20s. Shortly after things in my life happened that made me question that choice and fall away from the Catholic church.

A good friend of our family, a good man in life, took his own life. He took it out of despair over recent health developments and facing becoming an invalid and a burden on his family. He was a proud man and unable to accept total dependency on someone else for the very basic needs of his life. I was devastated. And I was more devastated to think that God would banish him to the confines of hell for eternity. I had to believe our God is more just than that and he looks at the picture as a whole, looks at the life the person has led and not one act of total despair... I choose to believe we have a God who will think outside of the box, look at the gray matter and not respond and react in black and white only?

I confess...

I confess my thoughts are turning towards Christmas and I am thinking of starting to sort through the Christmas decorations. I do like to get my decorating done on Thanksgiving weekend and well......folks, that's just a week away!

Living Life in Full Color

I know I have been absent from my blog for a long while.

The reason being, is simple, I have been busy just living life.

Some good, some bad, day by day, incident by incident, moment by moment.

I have been getting a taste of empty nest life in small doses. Thank goodness for my youngest son or I would be a lost soul - that is for sure.

My oldest son now lives with his dad more than he lives with me. I am not going to lie and tell you I am happy about it. I.Hate.It. I miss him a lot. He seems happy with the situation, so I have to accept it, but I don't have to like it.

My daughter moved out on her own a couple of weeks ago. I am also not thrilled about that either. She could live here rent free and come and go as she pleased. Problem was respect. We were arguing all of the time and she had a parade of people coming in at all hours of the morning after being out "chillin".... It was disruptive to me and the boys when they were here. She decided to tackle life out there on her own, and she is doing just that. Our relationship is strained, but maybe somewhat better. I think we are both harboring hurt feelings and trying to work through them as best we can. Again, I have to accept it, but I don't have to like it. I miss her. I really miss our weekend breakfast at Maria's.

My youngest is playing football for Young Tigers Football this year and he is loving it. His practices are twice a week for two hours each time, so I take my books and laptop and try to study while he practices. His games have been on Saturdays and I have to say there has been a positive effect on the entire extended family on both sides through these games. Both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles and siblings and family friends have been showing up for the games and existing peacefully on the same sets of bleachers all for the love of one little guy. Hopefully, this is a positive step in the right direction for all of us for future family events.

Meanwhile back here at the house, I have been studying a lot and working on home improvement projects. I have literally hundreds of flower bulbs to plant yet this fall, some painting projects to do outside before the snow flies, and general home maintenance projects. Through the help of family and friends these projects are all falling into place and life is moving forward live and in full color.

Before School Begins Again

This was my last week this summer to have the boys before school begins. It has been an emotional but wonderful week. In the past week and a half I have been given opportunities to spend quality one on one time with each of my three kids and as a result, I feel closer and more in tune with all of them.

My daughter took a vacation to Florida with some of her friends for a week and I honestly didn't want her to go. But she did. And it all turned out really well with me taking a half day off work and spending some "me" time shopping and then going to Chicago to pick her and her friend up at the airport. It did me a lot of good to get away for awhile.

This week the boys were here for the week and we had to do the school registration thing and all that fun back to school stuff. But it went well.

The youngest and I went and did some shopping and out to eat together and had some great conversation. He is getting excited to play football this fall and I think he is ready to get back to school.

My oldest son and I had a rough week because we had to return to mediation to figure out where he is going to live, with me or his dad. I started off telling the mediator that I truly wanted to come to a workable solution that would keep my son from ultimately having to choose which parent he wanted to live with. I didn't want him to walk out at the end of the day feeling as if he had let one of us down. Surprisingly we were able to come to a good agreement that divides his time between us somewhat evenly and gives him the flexibilty to say at anytime he wants to spend a night with the other parent. Once the decision was made a huge dark cloud disappeared over his head and my head and we had a great rest of the week.

Yesterday morning I took my oldest daughter to Fort Wayne to register for beauty school and we did a little shopping, it was a good trip and we were able to talk without getting mad at each other. Then in the afternoon the kids had friends come over to play on the lake and we had an impromptu cook out in the evening and it was really nice. My parents even joined us!

And now, I must finish this post and go play on the lake with the kids on the jet skis, where else should we be on a day like today????

Oh so very much has been going on....

Life has been busy as of late. Probably too much to post all of it here. But in a nutshell....

My son got his driver's license on July 7. On July 11, his 17th birthday, he had his first wreck. It was a small fender bender and no one was hurt, but there was damage to both vehicles and he was at fault. Birthday Bummer.

We had a cookout here for his birthday. It was nice. I wanted to show off my flower gardens and all my backyard luxuries that have been added this summer. Sadly enough, the flowers back by the pond are not faring so well and two of my hydrangeas are dying a slow death. This saddens me very much because I was so excited to get them. I will post pictures this week of the other two flower beds that are doing beautifully, (once I finish pulling weeds out of them!)

We had a day at my sister's cottage on Wawasee and the kids went tubing. I got sunburned. Not much fun in the days that followed, but the day on the lake was great!

I did finally get my hammock in my backyard too! I will post pictures later this week.

Play Day

Today is play day on the lake. The recent hot weather has undoubtedly warmed the water to a temperature I can tolerate. My youngest and I went swimming down at the lake in my neighborhood Thursday night and it was like bath water - but it was still nice.

Last night we had a campfire in the back yard - we have strung little round paper camp lights between the two trees out by the pond, right over the bird bath and I have put solar light caps on the posts on my deck, and my really pretty four globe solar lights that change colors in my flower bed by the deck. So all of the lighting back there is soft and pretty and the globe lights are like mini gazing balls that change colors - so it is very relaxing to sit out by the fire. The sky was full of stars and somewhere over on Tippy someone was having a party with a live band. We could hear the music. (Bring back memories Danny?) We sat outside til well past midnight just relaxing.

Today, after I get a couple of reports emailed out, we are going to the lake to play on the jet skis and hopefully soak up some sunshine. I am excited! And then tonight is the Tippecanoe Lake Property Owners Fish Fry. Its the best fish ever. Dan's out of Huntington. Which used to be the fish that was at the Mt. Etna fish fries when I was a kid. We are all going over to my sister's for the fish fry tonight, probably she and I will go over to Camp Crosley (where the fish fry is) and pick up the carry out.

Tonight my daughter has to work and my oldest son will probably go to the Tippy Dance Hall.

If all goes well, tomorrow should be a repeat day on the lake!

Summer is truly here.

A Boy. A Lawnmower. And A Pond.

My 16 yr old son got a new lawnmower on Thursday. He has been wanting this new mower for over a year now and has been saving his money. His present lawnmower just hasn't been doing as good of a job as we would like for all of the jobs he now has. So my parents decided to loan him the money to get the new mower.

They went to Kokomo on Thursday to get it. On Friday he mowed the lawns he is contracted to mow over by the lake. On Saturday he finally got to mow our yard. It is the standing joke with our neighbor whenever Kyal comes over to see him its because his mower is in the pond. When they saw his new mower they wondered out loud how long it would be before it went in the pond.

Well you guessed it. First lap around the yard......

He went marching right over to the neighbor and he came over to help. I was on camera duty, I was greatly amused by this. Kyal was not so happy, he said he rode it right down the bank, he was going to go in with it if it went all the way in, and I am sure that he would have too! And being the good mom that I am, well, I took lots of pictures!

So there you go. A Boy. A Lawnmower. And A Pond.

Pretty

Graduation, Hydrangeas, Open House and other things

Life has been crazy around here lately.

I survived the graduation thing. I only cried all day on graduation day. It was after all my baby girl!

I have been working on my yard and flower gardens. I purchased three hydrangea bushes at half price this weekend. I was so excited. I have wanted these hydrangea bushes every year for years. Now I have a special place for them and they are beautiful! They bloom all summer long and the best way to encourage blooming is to cut the flowers and bring them inside to enjoy so more blooms will come in. It is the little things that make me happy!!!

The graduation open house went very well too. It was a week of complete chaos and stress. I got it in my head that I wanted everything in my house in order too even though the party was at the clubhouse down by the lake. So I spent the week trying to work, juggle a kid in summer school and assign chores and tasks to each kid. In the end, not everything came together at the house the way I had hoped, but the party came together beautifully and the decorations were adorable.

So now I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and looking forward to some rest and relaxation.

I found a beautiful "lacey" crocheted hammock for my backyard now I am trying to find a stand for it.

One of the nicest flower shops in town has its annuals and perinials on sale for half price so I am guessing there will be some more floral purchases made this week and pictures posted here also.

My son took the puppy for her first swim in the lake yesterday. She liked it apparently.

Now I have to get her a life jacket so she can go on the jet ski with me.

My pomeranian I had before her used to ride the jet ski with me all of the time. I hope Macie will like it too.

I rearranged my bedroom so my bed is in front of my windows facing the backyard, I lay in bed and look out at the yard and can see my flowers and solar lights and hear the frogs. Last night there were lightning bugs all around the pond, the first I had seen this year.

And would you believe, I have not been out on the lake yet this year? Hmmm, I think its time I should do something about that!

Graduation

My daughter is graduating from high school this Friday night. My first baby. My only girl. My little girl.

The hopes and dreams I have for this child are endless. She is smart and beautiful. The world is at her feet she can do anything and be anything she sets her mind to. Her greatest cheerleader on this earth is me. I know my daughter and I know the potential.

For now I am breathing a sigh of relief. A huge sigh of relief. So thankful she made it through. So thankful she made it through unhurt and beautiful and smart. So thankful for so many things.

It's crazy, but as a single parent you feel so much pressure. (yes, I know, all parents feel a great pressure, a pressure to teach their children the right things, to give them the right things, to set the right boundaries, to set the right example, etc., etc.) But as a single parent I always felt due to the intensity of our divorce and the eagerness to point fingers and place blame an extraordinary amount of pressue. I felt and still feel as if we live our life under a microscope and someone somewhere is just waiting for one big mistake.

And oh how I love my daughter, but believe me, she is a strong willed free spirit who is going to speak her mind and do as she pleases. I am quite certain the fact that I am now coloring my hair every three weeks is due to her. So today, as the first full day of her new life as a young adult, I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. And I know, my job as a parent to her is not done, we are just entering into a new phase of our lives in which I more often have to stand back and keep my mouth shut and let her learn on her own. Thats the hard part. We don't want our children to have to learn life lessons the hard way, but it is how we all learn.

Kelsay, I love you and I am oh so proud to be your mother.

The beginning stages...

Just a pretty flower for your enjoyment!

This post is going to be all about my landscaping projects for the yard. Pictured above is one of my helper's...

Tuesday afternoon I received another load of fill dirt, this one was free and came from a good family friend who is closer to my ex husband than he is to me. My oldest son called him and asked him how much it would be to get 3-4 yds of fill dirt and he said he would just bring us some. It truly made me cry...but that's the sentimental me... I cried because I was pleasantly surprised that he would be willing to do something like that for me.

My son cut down the tree that was dying in front of my living room/office window and we decided to put the swing there. I have already enjoyed several evenings sitting out in my swing. You may also recognize this area as the area where the gourd that took over our house was growing a couple of years ago. This is the new flower bed out in front around our flagpole. The flowers took a beating in last night's storms, but with some tlc I think they will snap out of it and be beautiful in a few weeks.

I planted some wildflower seeds here the other night. It will be interesting to see how they do.

This is the pond in my backyard. We are going to start putting some chemicals in and scraping algae off the top and see if we can get it cleaned up and looking pretty. It doesn't freeze solid in the winter because it has a fresh spring running through it, so I am thinking of raising some Coi (Koi?) (Goldfish) and see what happens.

This is the flower bed in front of my deck, it needs a makeover, don't you think? Watch this space for upcoming improvements! Actually, I think this bed will be a hodge podge of flowers as my youngest son has planted some seeds and picked out some flowers that aren't exactly to my liking, but he is very excited about helping me with these flower beds....

This is another new bed we are building. I always wanted a hammock between these two trees but they are too far apart, but I am still planning on purchasing a hammock with a stand, and it will be located somewhere nearby! My parents gave me their old birdbath this past weekend, it needs some paint....I am thinking of putting a gazing ball in the middle of it but haven't decided yet. I am also going to be needing some birdfeeders.

This area in front of my bedroom windows and beside the deck probably won't get developed this year (Budget you know!) But I am thinking of a water garden and lilac bushes outside my bedroom windows! I saw some with little waterfalls so I would hear the trickling water all night, I think that would be very soothing.

This is the portable firepit and adirondak chairs and footstools we got for our evening fires. We have already had a few fires in the sideyard but will be moving to the backyard near the pond very soon. Oh so relaxing!

These are the very way cool solar lights I got at Menards. They change from red to blue to green when they are on. I have four of them and I am planning on placing them in the garden with the birdbath.

So yes, I have a lot of work to do, hopefully late this summer my after pictures will be beautiful!

Happy Mother's Day!

Of all the things that I love, I love being a mother the most.

I am ready for some Weekend!

I am so glad its the weekend. On the agenda is yardwork. This is the year I have decided to build some flower gardens.

If you remember, when I first moved in this house I tore out seven garden boxes. But they were just plain ugly.

I have come to the realization that I am no longer married and my husband can no longer spray round-up on all of my flowers. After a couple years of him doing that I lost all interest in have pretty flowers and a pretty yard. Well its a new life now. I am slowly learning this.

My son and stepdad got some rocks from one of the farms for me, and I am building a little "retainining wall" of rocks around my flagpole in my front yard to fill in with dirt and plant flowers. I am also building another bed like that out between my two trees by the pond. And fixing up the one in front of the deck.

A couple of weeks ago a local contractor was working on a neighbor's septic and had a dump truck of fill dirt he was using for their job. He only needed a couple of buckets of the dirt for the job and I bought the rest of the load from him for $20. That was my big event of the weekend, who knew dirt could make me so happy?

It is going to take more dirt, probably another load of fill dirt and then top soil too. But I am game for all of this.

A new Menard's store just opened in town last week and man do I love going there. I am really hooked on solar lights. I got some really pretty ones that look like small gazing balls, blue and white and the lights at night change white, red, blue and green. They are sooooo cool! We also bought a portable fire pit and have had a couple of fires this past week. Now we added some adirondak chairs for relaxing around the fire by the pond. Next thing I want is a hammock.

I will post pictures from before, during and in progress as it all blooms and grows this summer. I am truly looking forward to enjoying my yard and flowers this year.

What a week!

What a week of adjusting to my quickly changing life.

It was the second full week of the new visitation schedule for my oldest son. I still have a big empty space when he is not here, the hardest part is when the bus stops in front of the house to let the neighbor kid off and Macie (the puppy) sits in front of the door and watches for her beloved bubby to walk in. It makes my heart hurt more, since my desk looks directly out into the foyer where she is sitting and waiting oh so patiently.

Then my darling baby girl brought home her cap and gown and graduation goodies. Ugh. Another tug at my heart strings. It is exciting too. Her plans are to attend Rudae's Beauty College in Fort Wayne, so she won't be traveling way far away from me....but still, she is growing up and away.

Add to that the big day on Thursday. Thursday my baby girl turned 18. She promptly informed me I can't ground her anymore and that she is getting a tattoo. Oh but I can still ground her as long as she lives under my roof, drives my car and eats my food, uses my soft water and enjoys my heat and air conditioning. Its just how it is. The tattoo, I suppose I don't have much to say about that, but I did express my sincere disappointment.

Her birthday gathering was nice, we took dinner and cake and ice cream to my parents house and her boyfriend came and my oldest son's girlfriend was there too. We had a great time and my daughter made quite a haul in gifts.

This weekend the boys were with me, and I get them next weekend for mother's day weekend and the following weekend is my normal weekend again. I am so happy. My youngest son went away for the weekend with his aunt and uncle. And my oldest son and I have been doing yardwork. We bought a portable fire pit at our new Menard's store last night and had a fire in the backyard. One of the neighbor girls came over and sat and talked with us for awhile and it was very relaxing. My son and I sat out by the fire until almost 1 in the morning. Maybe this new arrangement is bringing us closer, who knows?

Oh and on a side note, we had our lovely little neighborhood meeting and spring clean up yesterday morning. Well needless to say, I have many issues with our association, but I don't want to be an officer so I just have to deal with it all. Their latest and greatest idea is they are going to strongly suggest that we all switch to just one trash pick-up service (of their choosing of course) so that only one big heavy trash truck a week comes into our neighborhood to pick up trash and thus less wear and tear on our streets. So should we only allow UPS and Fed Ex in once a week, what about other repair trucks, should we schedule repairs just one day a month and hope it fits our schedules so there is less wear and tear on our streets? Heaven forbid someone should build a house on a vacant lot. Or a room addition. Or landscape. Or do anything to improve anything. OMG what if someone pours a concrete driveway or sidewalk??? Oh yeah, definitely a sore spot with me.

But nonetheless, I did survive a week of impending changes in my life, learning to let go of my kids a little and let them spread their wings. No one told me this part was so hard.

I'm feeling better today

Its been a rough couple of weeks. This past week I had to start the new visitation agreement for my oldest son. I won't lie, its been pure hell for me.

I have dealt with so many feelings and emotions, cried several times a day every day and am in general - a basket case.

My heart is broken in a million pieces. As much as I want to believe my son didn't really want to go live with his dad all of the time, deep down I know it really is his wish. Its my wish that he would want to stay here.

What is so difficult is he wants to be there for all of the wrong reasons. The life his dad lives is appealing to a teenager. Its a constant party at his dad's house. The shop (business) is directly behind the house and the employees stay after work every day and hang out and drink beer. Many of the guys are in their early to mid 20s and "cool" in the eyes of a 16 yr old. More friends stop in daily at the shop to drink beer and hang out.

There are motorcycles, dirt bikes, four wheelers, golf carts, etc there. A playground for a 16 yr old with little or no adult supervision to speak of - remember they are all hanging out and drinking beer...

Add to that his dad lives with a woman. Not married to her, just living together, and her 16 yr old son lives there too. This could make my son feel jealous and feel the need to be there to protect his relationship with his dad.

His dad hates confrontation and punishment. Kind of stands by if you ground the kid you ground yourself and thats no fun. He is more prone to hit or kick for disciplinary measures instead. If the kids can avoid him in the heat of the moment, they generally get off scott free.

Enter the home I have strived so hard to create for my kids. I have worked hard to keep the three kids together and interacting with each other in each other's lives. (Remember, my oldest daughter has not had visitation with her dad since she was 12) We have made ourselves into a working family unit and are close to each other.

I removed alcohol from my home last summer. I came to the realization kids are kids, they are probably going to get it if they want, but I decided it would not come from my home. Kids are going to get in trouble, why create more temptation?

As far as his dad living with a woman and not marrying her, I have issues with that. Some circumstances it is fine. But when children are present in the home and at an impressionable age - why not take your role as a parent and a role model seriously? Why not live by standards you want for your children? Why not be the example?

My kids and I live on a tight budget. I can't go buy them everything they want the minute they want it. We have learned to accept this and work with it. None of us go without anything we need, but we do go without things we want. Its a different world at their dad's house, money flows freely as does alcohol and party times. (Much more appealing to a kid than the life I provide.)

So thus, the emotional struggle I have had this past week especially. Knowing that what I was doing was not good enough. Feeling the pain of the choice my child made. I do understand it through his eyes. And through the eyes of an adult I know he will come up empty on the inside. I now pray he gets that empty on the inside sooner rather than later...he will be welcomed back into my home with open arms, but until then, I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Who woulda thought?

Who would have thought that my oldest daughter turning 18 and graduating from high school would make me cry? I didn't. Well ok, yes I did.

I get very emotional. Every time any of my kids have been in any kind of play or graduation or awards ceremony or anything, I cry. Every single dance recital, every time one of my kids walked out on stage, I teared up. I don't know why, it just happens, I get a big lump in my throat and tears start welling up in my eyes. Its a mix of emotions, mostly pride, but other ones too.

When I received the information to order her graduation stuff, I did ok with that....no tears....just trying to figure out how I was going to pay for it, but no tears. But today, all of the information about all that is going to take place between now and graduation...I was a sobbing fool by the time I finished reading it.

So tell me....how am I going to get through the graduation ceremony??? Waterproof mascara and a box of tissues for starters...

Kids

My kids are growing up and life is changing. Life is changing in ways that make me sad. Ways that make me happy. Ways that make me proud. Ways that make me mad. I guess its just all part of the grand scheme of things.

My two older kids are growing up and away, they are now exhibiting decisions they make of their own free will. Some are good, some are bad, some are hurtful, but they are their decisions. Their dad and I have worked to lay the foundation, we are there to guide and give advice, however they are at the age where we are "stupid." I have been there and done that. I look back and see the wisdom that was shared with me at the time...but I sure didn't see it as wisdom then.

I feel time slipping through my fingers. Not so much with my daughter who is just two weeks away from turning 18 and less than two months from graduating high school. I know my bond with her will always be strong. But I do feel time slipping through my fingers with my 16 yr old son.

The new visitation agreement gives him more time with his dad than with me and forces me into the "part-time" parent role. My heart is breaking a million times over just trying to accept and deal with this situation. With him being gone from me and his brother and sister so much, I fear that all of the "bonds" will crack and suffer.

We had a great night last night, my daughter had her boyfriend over for dinner and my oldest son had his girlfriend over for dinner. After dinner they went out in the yard and played ball with my youngest son. They had the puppy outside with them and were laughing and having a great time. Later we all went to Ritter's and had ice cream. As I absorbed it all in, I was happy and deep down inside kinda sad as I feel these times becoming more precious and slipping slowly away.

Man, I am going to make a terrible empty nester....

Tippecanoe Lake Webcam

Check this out! It is a link to the Tippecanoe Lake Webcam. The camera is located at the Tippecanoe Lake Country Club, and on a clear day I suspect we might be able to see my parents home. Kinda cool I think. Anyhow, I added the link in the links of interest area of my blog so it will be easy to get to just in case any of you are ever wondering what the weather is in my neck of the woods.

Note of interest - That view is almost exactly what my view was at work before I moved my office into my home....now I get to keep a close eye on my own neighborhood.

Easter Sunday...

Someone Else...

I have never truly grasped the concept that Someone else is in control of my life. Its an ongoing power struggle in which I try so hard constantly to remain in complete control of my life.

This control of my life concept goes so far as to make me one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. I REFUSE to ask for help. I might give a subtle hint of what I need done for me, but if the hint is not heeded in a timely manner I will just do it myself.

There have been a few times that this stubbornness has landed me in the hospital helplessly out of control. And when you become helplessly out of control....help swarms in on you. People understand what you need and you don't have to say a word, they just jump in and do what needs to be done.

I know I am being very vague and general....but here is a more specific example. One of my hospital stays was an entire week with another week of rest to follow up. My mom and sister pitched in to help. They divided the kids between them. They had help from their husband or significant other... and at the end of the two weeks they all were exhausted, their homes were a wreck and they were behind on their laundry! And remember, they divided the kids between them... From that hospital stay stemmed many solutions to many problems I had that were overwhelming me. I was refusing to stop and ask for help. But help came. I was able to relax a bit more and lighten up a little more.

Recently I have gotten in over my head again with stress and worry and refusing to ask for or accept help. This time it didn't come down to a total crisis. But this time Someone else stepped in. I always forget to turn to God and ask for help. I tend to wait until I am so deep in the muck that it seems as if there is no other thing to do but to turn to God. And this time again I still didn't turn to God, but He stepped in anyway. I felt him step in and comfort me and make things look a whole lot better and less overwhelming. I feel Him working in our lives.

Maybe I will sound like a holy roller to some of you for this post. Maybe I will sound like a babbling idiot. Maybe it doesn't matter...

If you have noticed my twitter on the side "Praying for Stellan" and my link to the My Charming Kids Blog then you will know I have been following this blog daily and praying for Stellan constantly. I honestly believe my prayers for this child brought God back to me and my family and put His hand back in control. And well, those of you who know me....know that its hard for me to "let go"

Mediation

I shared earlier this week that my ex husband and I went to mediation in regards to custody of our oldest son and an increase in child support.

I am very uncomfortable with the fact that he wants custody of only one child. I hate that he can pick and choose which kid he wants the most and push the other two aside. I hate that he finds it necessary to split up the core family unit as the kids know it.

I felt very pressured by the mediator to let my son live with his dad. I kept telling the mediator that I am doing absolutely nothing wrong in my home that merits having a child taken away from me. On the other hand I have many concerns in regards to the lifestyle my ex-husband exhibits in front of our children. Documented concerns. Documented meaning police, child protective services, CASA and court reports.

It came to a point where they wanted to bring my son in and question him about what he truly wants to do. I said no. I said no because on Thursday of this past week my son told me he wanted to live at home with us. I said no because on Sunday I received a text message from my son stating he was "almost sure" that he wanted to live with his dad. I said no because he refused to talk to me on the phone and tell me this. I said no because I was not certain the text message discussion we had was actually between he and I. I said no because I was 75% sure that his dad's girlfriend was sending the text messages. I said no because I understand that my son is confused and although he may want to live with his dad, he also wants to live at home and he doesn't want to hurt either of us. I said no because I did not want to put my son on the "hot seat" and make him "choose his favorite parent."

We finally came to an agreement. The agreement resulted in pretty much a 50/50 split between the homes. My oldest son will spend the night at his Dad's Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. My youngest son will continue with his Wednesday evening and every other weekend. Oh, and I can't forget to mention, there is still NO visitation with our daughter. She does stop over to see him sometimes when the boys are there and his girlfriend is gone...

The agreement also indicates when the weather is nice and my son needs to work near our home for his lawncare business, that will be a first priority...but it will be necessary to take him to his dad's to sleep at night when the sun goes down....

This is only thru the end of this school year. Then our summer arrangement of every other week kicks in.

But here is the part that is absolutely eating away at me. This is the part that is putting that little black cloud over my head. This is the part that I hate. In early August we have to go to binding arbitration. At this point a binding and permanent living arrangement will be agreed upon for my oldest son. My son will be brought in and forced to choose which parent he wants to live with permanently. Again I hate to put him in that position. My only hope is that this temporary arrangement we came up with works well and feels good to him and shows him he can have equal time with both parents, and still be with his brother and sister a little more frequently than if he were to live with his dad permanently. My hope is that he will like the arrangement and tell the arbitrator that this working well and he wants to leave it like this, or even better that he will say he wants to be home with his family. Because we are a small little working family and my oldest daughter will not be leaving for college, she will be attending beauty school in Fort Wayne and still living here.

My heart is breaking with what my son has already had to go through, and I am praying fervently that we have resolved it into a working pattern that will work for him and take the decision making process off of him.

Easter!

Easter is going to be different this year. Kind of an ending to some traditions and maybe a beginning of new traditions and a few old ones kept in for good measure.

We used to go to brunch at the country club. Not this year. Its a tradition I am sad to see go, I liked getting my kids all dressed up and getting a family picture.

My oldest daughter is a senior this year and will be 18 at the end of this month. In her mind everything is going to change and she wants to move out....I am pretty sure she is going to be here for awhile longer, but nevertheless, our lives are changing.

It has been hit and miss over the years whether we make it to church or not....this year I am not sure yet....

My youngest son is 10, so perhaps its time to forego the egg hunt. I just can't quite bring myself to do this, so I am working on a treasure hunt for each of the kids...we will see how this works out. It might be a fun new tradition.

I also can't give up the Easter basket thing, so I have been buying up all of the stupid hokey toys that bring back memories of my childhood, and have you seen the new peeps??? I got carrots, frogs, orange bunnies, periwinkle bunnies....all kinds of cute peeps.

We are having dinner at my sister's house, but I think I might make a ham and some side dishes to have at my home for the evening...those kids, they get hungry all of the time!

I'm making a comeback

I've been down and out and a lousy blogger for several weeks. Yesterday I went to mediation to resolve custody and visitation and support issues. We were able to reach a working solution and think we both walked away feeling as if we had "won" something.

This has been going on since January 21, 2008. 63 weeks. I have walked around with a dark cloud over my head all of that time. To finally resolve it yesterday was as if a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. I literally feel the difference...I feel so much happier, so less stressed and the headache is pretty much gone.

Think About It...

Footprints

One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with
the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I
noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints
in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only
one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowestand
saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord
about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with
me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my
lifethere is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I
needed you most,you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child,I love you and I would never, never leave youduring your times of trial
and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints,it was then that I
carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

I have just come through some very difficult times with my two oldest kids and at times felt very alone, but this poem reminds me I was never alone and I have made it through and am ready to face the next challenge when it comes. But if you all don't mind, I think I will take a moment to breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the beautiful sunlight...

President Obama

I know on election night I expressed my disappointment in the nation's choice for President. I also conceded to be supportive of the new President out of respect for our country. I have bit my tongue and sat back in the shadows. I do realize the mess our country is in was a terrible mess for any person to inherit to try to clean up. It is going to take a long time to "fix" things...and either he will fix them or four years later we will most likely see a new president.

That is not what this rant is about however. This rant is about President Obama's decision to appear on The Tonight Show. I am just very disappointed. It seems like President and Mrs. Obama are more obsessed with the limelight than settling down and letting Mr. Obama get down and dirty and fix our country. It seems as if they want to be a glitzy glamorous super couple walking the red carpets. Michelle on the cover of Vogue, our President on Leno.

I do realize the media has changed over the years, I realize the internet has changed all of our lives, some for the good and some not so good. I just never before have associated the Office of the President of the United States as a showbiz gig. Not even when Ronald Reagan was president. Show biz was over and it was time to settle down and do the job at hand.

I know, I've not been sleeping much lately and am a tad stressed out, so maybe its just me.

Hurry Spring, Please Hurry!

Spring is my favorite season of the year and this year is no different. I have just had more than enough of winter. I want sunny pretty fresh days with pretty flowers. Spring is like a time of renewal, the showers come and wash away the dirt and grime that piled up over the fall and winter with leaves and salt and sand...everything turns green and clean again. Maybe its because my birthday comes the first day of spring, or maybe its even more spiritual, coinciding with Christs' resurrection, but no matter what, I love spring. So, hurry spring, please hurry!

In the blink of an eye

Life is short. Life is precious. Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we are served up a dose of reality.

This past week I was contacted by a client. We spoke a total of four times on the phone in the course of three days. In those three days however, we were able to meet his needs and get the ball rolling on the project as requested. The last conversation I had with him was Thursday evening.

Saturday morning I received in the mail from him the final piece of correspondence I needed for the job at hand. Ten minutes later as I was reading the newspaper I saw his obituary. He was killed in an automobile accident on Friday morning. He had mailed that correspondence in the brief hours between when we spoke and when he was killed.

I didn't know him, but yet I mourn for him and pray for his family. It is a strange dose of reality that hits you up side of the head and makes you stop and think of the ones who matter most in your life. And then you see the need to take time to tell them what they mean to you.

So I am a bit slap happy...

We have been extremely busy since right after Christmas. Its a good thing....however, there is no rest for the weary. When I can't sleep, I work, when I can't work I sleep. I have even set my alarm and gotten up at 3 a.m. to work a couple of nights and then take little cat naps through the day. I am so glad my office is in my home and I can go to work in my pajamas! I can do laundry while I work and I can cook meals while I work. It is a little lifesaver decision we made back in October that I will be thankful for the rest of my life we made!!!

When the interest rates dropped, there was a scramble for many homeowners to refinance, and that threw us right into overdrive. What a great way for me to learn the business, but I must confess its a little difficult for me to keep up on my school work right now.

So being as brain dead as I am right now, I received this old joke in an email this morning, and it made me giggle all over again, so I thought I would share it with all of you so you can see just how goofy I am getting to be. (Ok, so those of you who know, know that I have always been quite a bit goofy!)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.
'Ms. Whack,' he says, 'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.'
Patti furrows her brow and asks, 'Well, how much do you want to borrow?'
'$30,000,' the frog says.
The teller writes this down, then asks his name.
'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.'
'Really?' she asks, eyebrow raised.
'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'And I want to use this as collateral.'
'Ummm, okay,' Patti says, accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to ask the president about this.'
'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.'
Patti walks into the bank president's office and explains the situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this' - she holds up the tiny pink elephant - 'as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?'
The owner says: 'It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Is it just me?

Maybe I am looking too deeply at things. Maybe I am not. It just seems to me that Tuesday's inauguration of Barack Obama is becoming very racist. When I looked at the new google header it seems to be as if it delves into his ethnicity. I just don't recall it being like this in the past. I don't recall pictures of Carter with peanuts for his inaugeration celebration, pictures of Bush with anything symbolizing Texas, Clinton with anything symbolizing Arkansas, etc... Do you get what I am saying? There were not pictures, logos etc that symbolized ethnicity. I think it is disrespectful to our new president actually.

In my humble opinion, it seems as if the incoming president should be pictured with nothing other than the stars and stripes, the Presidential seal, the white house, the outline of the United States of America, I don't know, just plain patriotic pictures and logos. Then again, maybe its just me and I am overthinking again.

Oh I think I am going to regret this decision...

All day long I have been clicking on the National Weather Service website and checking the weather report and thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah, I will believe it when I see it.

Most of the evening I kept wondering if maybe I should run into town to the store and pick up a few more items. The thought of three kids in a house for a day or two with limited snacks kinda scares me. But for whatever reason I decided the extra milk and fruit punch I have in the garage will be ok, we have several frozen pizzas a couple of packages of hamburger, some chicken breasts and plenty of other things to make a decent meal or two or three... but man o man there sure aren't very many oreos left.... not much ice cream....hmmm I do have a stash of reese cups.... we can make popcorn, everyone loves popcorn......yes I am sure all will be just fine.

But then I looked outside and the snow started on time, just as predicted. What if they are right this time? Oh God, what if we have a snow day or two even, me, three kids, three cats and a puppy and I still have to work and am behind....omg....can I do this? Will I survive?

Finally

Well finally, things are starting to resemble a routine around here. The kids were off from school on Monday also, so it was one more day of chaos. But it was a day where I was able to bribe them to take down the other Christmas tree and return all of the decorations back to the basement. (My son wanted to go see his girlfriend and wanted his sister to drive him into town.) It was amazing all of the work they got done around the house for me in one hour! My daughter is grounded, so she was happy to get out of the house and chauffer her brother around.

My daughter's vehicle is back in working order. The computer board had to be replaced and the carpet shampooed. Her dad fixed her car for her and in the process made great strides towards repairing their broken relationship. He bought her a new set of tires for her vehicle also. She went and visited with him a couple of times over Christmas break, his girlfriend and her son were out of town so it made it easy for my daughter to spend some time with her dad.

The overall body damages that tonka suffered in its trip into the creek exceed $2200. The passenger side doors are difficult to close, but something she can deal with unless she manages to collect damages from the "boyfriend". I know she still has a thing for him, but presently he is sitting in jail and I am hoping she will meet someone new and get over this thing with trouble.

Work has been extremely busy and I am taking another appraisal class and working towards getting into some online classes through Ball State. I spend most of my time in my office, thank goodness its at home so I can still spend time with my family. I have been working long hours this week and getting up in the middle of the night and working too.

This evening I am going to slack off and spend some time with the kids watching movies and having a fire in the fireplace.

Normal?

Please tell me its finally time to get back to normal? No you say! One more day of the lunacy and then a weekend? If you promise that Monday will start to seem normal again I think I can survive. If you say today is the last real day of the holiday season and vacations, I think I can make it. I think I can.

Its 2009 and its a new year and time for another new beginning. This past year has seen many changes in our lives and we survived and are the better for many of them. I learned my kids are growing up and earning more freedom in their lives. They learned that sometimes the words of wisdom I offer truly are "words of wisdom". See my daughter's adventure in December with her truck being wrecked by her boyfriend. We are still dealing with that mess.

Speaking of that mess. We have tonka truck back. It had to have a new computer board installed. Her dad stepped in and fixed it and paid for it for her. We still have recourse from the boyfriend however. The prosecutor did act upon my statement of the understanding the boyfriend and I had regarding the vehicle and he now sits in jail on two warrants, one missing a court date, and one unlawful use of a vehicle. As I hear it, no bond is set and no hearing until this coming Thursday.

My ex-husband has exhibited an about face in his behaviour the past few weeks, he stepped in and helped my daughter and they have been talking on the phone and spending some time together. He called her the other night and told her to go to the tire shop today because he is buying her a new set of tires for tonka. She refers to him as Dad now instead of calling him by his first name. He has had the boys this week and let the youngest come home last night because he was homesick for me, in the past, he told him to "be a man". We didn't fight over the Christmas visitation this year, we just went with how it is supposed to be and everyone seems to be the better for it. My goodness the man even wished me a Merry Christmas and I even thanked him for his help in the wreck situation.

More on tonka truck, it has $2700 in body damage, so little Mr. Boyfriend has quite a bill to pay, and no job and no ambition.... I am hoping this will be a lesson learned for my daughter that she will apply to her own book of wisdom.

I will however hold an little gratitude for Mr. Boyfriend in that he brought back some healing in a very broken relationship between my daughter and her dad. I hope the progress made will continue and she will have her dad back. She needs that very much in her life. He is certainly not the best dad in the world, but he is her dad.

This year will bring about more big changes in our world as my daughter will graduate high school and step out into the real world a little more. It will be a difficult transition for me, to let go of my baby, but I am sure we will find our way. My oldest son will be getting a driver's license this year which will be another set of worries for me and my little boy will continue on his journey in life, with his thirst for knowledge overwhelming and mind boggling, I think I will soon have to keep a dictionary nearby in order to engage in conversations with him, he loves new words and using them in proper context.

I wish all of you a happy new year, a return to normalcy as we all know it and health and happiness in the year to come.

A new addition to our family

We have a new addition to our family. We have a black pomeranian puppy. She "officially" joined our family on Christmas Eve as a big surprise to my youngest son at least. In reality she had been hiding in my bathtub for a week prior with me sneaking her out to potty when the kids were in their rooms or sleeping or not home or whatever. Surprisingly enough they were gone a lot during the days before Christmas so she got to start her potty training and get out and play with the cats too.

My daughter went with me to pick her out, so she knew and helped me with the secret. My oldest son figured out something was up because all of my daughter's friends were coming over and they were all going to the bathroom in my room together. And then forgetting to use the bathroom and running to one of the other ones shortly after a trip into my room for that purpose. We finally clued him in the day before Christmas Eve. But my youngest son was completely surprised and elated.

She is a good dog with a fun personality. I have only heard her bark twice so far. She whines sometimes and she growls when playing with the cats and some of her toys. She won't get over 5 lbs. when full grown making all of the cats bigger than her, but she thinks she is a big bad dog and just goes into any situation with no fear at all. Totally adorable. The pictures were taken of her when she was helping me at work the other day.